This one ain't about the bike.

The first time I went to Belgium I remember being greeted by assault-weapon-toting-military-police-type-people as soon as I stepped off the plane. Having never been in a situation where people were carrying little sub-guns around for my protection, I wondered about the level of danger I was getting myself into. Through innocent American boy eyes, I thought maybe I was entering some strange third world country or something.

On September 11, 2001 some Islamic rednecks, with a bumper sticker that read, “My Allah can beat up your Allah,” stole some airplanes, killed a bunch of innocent people and knocked over two towers in New York. And since then our world has never been the same.

Look, I am a professional traveler and have spent way too much time on commercial airplanes during my years on this earth. I want my travel to be safe. I am willing to do what it takes to ensure other people enjoy safe travel as well. To me, taking my personal possessions out of my bag so that everyone feels good about getting inside a vehicle they do not understand is perfectly okay. It is sort of like constantly being chosen as the random for a doping control after a bike race. “Hey, I have nothing to hide ... search and enjoy.”

I am also a professional patriot, having lived for a time as an ex-patriot in Belgium. I defy you to find a bike racer who has done the same thing who doesn’t secretly want to tattoo a giant American flag across his or her chest. We Americans live in a country that has amazing natural resources, beautiful countryside, breathtaking mountains, and seemingly endless opportunities. Bobke and I used to joke that all of the guys we were racing with and against would rather be driving a lifted, gas-guzzling 4x4, with a Calvin-peeing-on-something-or-another window sticker than their BMW M3 or whatever cool road car they were driving.

But we are also a great band of idiots in many ways. In particular, regarding travel, we have thrown the baby out with the bath water. Benjamin Franklin, who was a never-ending fountain of great quotes, sums it up pretty well with;

“Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”*

I am pretty sure that Benjamin Franklin was talking about the TSA, my computer, shoes, and Threat Level Orange when he composed that.

Like I already said, I am a professional traveler. I know how to get through the lines, what to do, what to say and not to say, and how to behave in an airport and on a plane. I guarantee you that I have flown more in my lifetime than all but one or two of the billion and a half TSA officers that are present in every airport to ensure that I do not forget to take my unopened bottle of drinking water out of my backpack before entering their line.

But my problem is not that they want to pat me down or smell my shoes. My problem is that there is no definite protocol for how everything is supposed to work. I mean, I assume there is, but it doesn’t seem to get followed by those wearing the uniforms. Seriously, in some airports you are not allowed to put your shoes in a bin. In some they want you to. In most, you have to present your boarding pass as you walk through the metal detector. In some, as you are trying to prepare your boarding pass for presentation, they yell at you to put it away, as if it were a loaded, cocked and locked point four five caliber handgun. Do you think it would be possible for us to do it just one way ... please?

I’ve thought it over and wonder whether or not switching up where I am supposed to put my shoes or what I am supposed to do with my boarding pass is just a way of keeping us on our collective toes. If that is the case, I think the people at the top did a pretty poor job of planning my confusion -- they could be doing a much better job.

I also know if several people who have gone through security using a non government-issued photo ID. In one case, the piece of identification that allowed the person to pass through security was a Costco membership card. Yes, a Costco card. That makes sense, I suppose, since everyone knows that Islamic terrorists have no need for 5 gallon jars of mayonnaise. I am happy for these folks, since they are truly nice people, and they could potentially have been delayed for quite some time, but I am pretty sure that the friends of the people who plan terrorist attacks think their terrorist buddies are good people too.

But I think the most egregious offenses in the system come when old people are hassled by the man. While I believe that people should be treated similarly, when it comes to security, the TSA agents that I’ve seen harassing these senior citizens clearly have the common sense of a lump of coal. Hey knucklehead, while he managed to stand in the line under his own power, he can hardly see, can hardly hear, and if you don’t let him through the line pretty quickly he’s going to tip over --- not to mention the fact that his prostate is the size of your head, so he’s already been at mission critical for having to pee since he first stepped into your line 15 minutes ago. He hadn’t even heard of Islam until 2001, and quite possibly, the last time he was on an airplane was before you were born. It is hard enough for him to reach down and take off his shoes, but by all means, you should run that little make-up pad thing over the Velcro® straps that fasten his shoes to his feet, and run it through your machine, just to make sure they won’t explode when the plane reaches 10,000 feet.

Somewhere, Ben Franklin is flopping around in his grave like a fish, wishing that he’d not given the key to the kingdom -- the one that he tied to his kite string -- to the band of idiots that is now dumbing down his great country. And by band of idiots, I mean all of us.

“We must, indeed, all hang together or, most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.”*

- Benjamin Franklin

It seems that the exact words written and/or uttered by Benjamin Franklin have changed a bit over the years, as there are several versions of these and others.